so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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