Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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