May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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