someone threw a dead crab at me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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