you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
