Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
