I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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