Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
