no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
