I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
