im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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