Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
