ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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