Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
