Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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