she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
