...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
