dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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