Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
