so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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