Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
