fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
