I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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