Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
