If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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