I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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