i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
