My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
