My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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