I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
