I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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