her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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