He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
