lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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