i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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