You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
