I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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