I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
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just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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