Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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