Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
