New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
