Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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