He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
