so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
