not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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