i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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