I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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