You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
