I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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