her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She bit a glass in half.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
