I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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