Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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