he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
