Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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