Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
